My 4 years old niece taught me how to be honest when someone is trying to comfort you, and it’s not comforting.

She didn’t pretend to understand something to make me feel good. 

I was teasing my niece Zaynab over something silly. My sister and I laughed about it, but she got really agitated. So much so that she started crying and said, “Rabi, I am upset with you,” and she left the kitchen. She went to the garden to jump on the trampoline.

I went after her, and I playfully got into the trampoline and told her, “I am sorry, let me give you a hug.”

She resisted the hug and said, “Rabi, you made me sad and cry. I am upset with you”.

At some point, she gave up resistance, so I held her in my arms, and we cuddled on the trampoline. Sun was comforting on our skins. After she calmed down, I started to talk to her. First, I told her how much I loved her. And then I started talking about why she couldn’t let anyone make her sad. It’s really in her own power to be happy or sad at any moment. I tried to make the idea as simple as possible for a 4 years old child. She patiently listened. 

After a few minutes of talking, I asked her if she understood what I said. She replied without any judgement or nuance: “No Rabi, I don’t understand.” And she got up and happily started jumping on the trampoline again. 

I was taken aback by her directness. Even though I was trying to teach her an important lesson, in that moment, she taught me something so profound without even trying. She didn’t pretend to understand something to make me feel good. 

Instead, she simply expressed how she felt about my teasing. She was honest about her lack of understanding of the complex idea I was talking about. She didn’t judge me for making it complicated. She didn’t judge herself for not having the level of comprehension to understand it. She simply expressed herself. 

When we are in a tough spot, people say something kind, profound, or motivating to make us feel a certain way. But sometimes, it just doesn’t resonate with us the way it was intended. It’s natural to feel a little obligated to show appreciation for the person trying to comfort you.

I, for one, have done this a lot where I would just try and find meaning in whatever the person is saying just so the person feels valued and appreciated. 

However, I valued Zaynab’s honesty because she gave me feedback. I learned that I needed to express the idea better to her young mind. 

She taught me that it’s perfectly okay not to pretend that the other person’s message made an impact. Especially if it’s an important person in your life and they are really trying to land a message. Because when you are honest, you are giving feedback to the person. You are equipping them to do better in their communication the next time.

Sure, do appreciate the kind words. But be more like Zaynab; honest with your response. If it doesn’t make sense, say it as it is: “I don’t understand.”